Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.