Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I like long walks away from everyone
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
*mops up wine with cat*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.