@ddsmidt Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
@LetMeStart Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
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@ddsmidt 
@PhilipJFried [you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
@gogglepossum [1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
@TheCatWhisprer Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
@DurtMcHurtt FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
@13spencer Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
@JediGigi Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
@BuckyIsotope “Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
@flashember [my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
@causticbob kitchen magnet
