Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
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[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
#Caturday
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?