Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
You Might Also Like
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Ha
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
same bro
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?