Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Uh oh…
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Yes, but it was never about money
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I am patiently waiting for your email
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
reminder
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.