Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
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Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.