Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?