Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
2022: I can fix it
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name