Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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