Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
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[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here