Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Happy Febuary everyone!

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Gemma Correll

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.