[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Unimpressed
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering