*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
You Might Also Like
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”