*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
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*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.