*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.