Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
This is I, Robot all over again
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.