receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.