Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.