Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
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I have never related to a cat more
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.