@Book_Krazy Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
@SamSkinnerKC Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
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@Book_Krazy 
@not_thenanny Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
@RappaRick Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
@robdelaney The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
@MichaelJErhart Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
@SirJeremyLondon January has been Januweary
@Tmoney68 Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
@sixfootcandy Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
@KalvinMacleod ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
@VallyOfTheLilly Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK