recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said