recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Bond. Trauma bond.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up