Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
<—- homeless romantic
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store