Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Ah..makes sense now
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart