Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
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Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt