Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
You Might Also Like
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho