RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
You Might Also Like
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Carpe DM
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!