Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?