Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Europe. Made in Germany.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.