Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.