receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
just gave your address to some spiders
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.