Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?