Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
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Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.