Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
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Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
What flavor cupcake are these
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”