Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
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You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
uh oh
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“you recording!?”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man