Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.