Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.