Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying