Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?