[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
#milo
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose