*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
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wait.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean