[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
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Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.