[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything