[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
#math
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.