Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
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With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication