[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.