Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.