Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.