[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false