@FScottFitzJesse You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
@iLikeCatShirts [Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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@FScottFitzJesse 
@BombChelleMama_ The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
@jehujeni Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
@HollyMemphis Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
@theshantilly Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
@daemonic3 [restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
@xofreckles Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
@nevernicethings Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
@Cpin42 Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
@JimmerThatisAll Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.