[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

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You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?


The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered


Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.


Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”


Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”



WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks


Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*


Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.


Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.