@iLikeCatShirts

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

You Might Also Like

@FScottFitzJesse

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

@BombChelleMama_

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

@jehujeni

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

@theshantilly

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

@daemonic3

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

@xofreckles

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

@nevernicethings

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

@Cpin42

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.