Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. π€·ββοΈπ
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her thatβs not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why Iβm not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person whoβs house youβre in.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
same energy
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Unimpressed
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while sheβs away & should never use emojis.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word βdonβtβ goes up 2000%
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?